The Sorting Hat Dating Agency
by jammywho
Summary: Fred and George steal an artifact from Dumbledore's office with the intention of causing mischief, but it turns into a business that spreads across the whole school. A collection of fluff fics from various ships.
1. Chapter 1

Sunlight shone in through the narrow windows of Dumbledore's office, bouncing and refracting, almost curving as they made their way through various crystalline instruments. Books and instruments hung around in abundance, occasionally shaking every time a certain amount of dust landed on them. Fawkes the phoenix slept calmly on his perch, stood fully erect. The office radiated a curious mix of activity and stillness, as if waiting for its owner to return.

Over the peak of the spiral staircase, two heads of ginger hair appeared, bouncing from side to side in jovial conversation. Mere seconds later, the rest of them was visible; it was Fred and George Weasley, twin pranksters and both old hands at being sent to this particular office.

"He likes to keep his office the same doesn't he, George?"

"I know; it's been so long since we were last here and it hasn't changed a bit."

"Yeah. We've been on our best behaviour, for what, like three weeks?"

"Well… I mean we haven't been caught for three weeks."

"Still you reckon he could've done the place up to celebrate"

"Maybe he didn't have time to; Filch just grabbed us and dragged us here by the ears. Didn't even tell us why."

"So what do you reckon got us caught?"

"I don't know; we've got quite a bit of stuff going on."

"Some of the nose bleed nougats had a side effect that makes you bleed out of your ears. Do you reckon someone reported that?"

"Nah; more likely it's the incapability ink squirting out the back of school quills; they probably enchant them against that sort of thing."

"We did explode a few toilets; they can't not notice that."

"Ooh yeah. We seriously need to fix that. Volatile Veggies are not ready for public consumption yet."

A strange kind of silence came over them as they came to a sudden realisation; Dumbledore wasn't here. But all his fabulous stuff was. Oh the fun they could have!

"Fred, are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

"Yeah; what do you want to pinch first?"

"I don't even know what most of this stuff does; could be dangerous"

"Yeah; let's save the dangerous stuff for when we're older and wiser"

"Wiser?"

"Okay. When we know what to do with it."

They looked round with greed and mischief in their eyes. They had to be careful; Dumbledore had proven to be a difficult opponent, especially last year when he prematurely aged them with the goblet of fire. In fact, they could feel a shaky magical aura around some items; almost warning them away. Best left alone, they decided. The key, they discovered was to go for the items that looked less valuable.

Very soon it transpired that there was only one item in the office that they could identify any potential for. And as it happened, it did look almost worthless. A shabby, patched up hat, resting atop a bookshelf. The Sorting Hat.

It looked like it was watching them.

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking, George"

"I most certainly am. Minimus!"

An invisible force struck the sorting hat, knocking it off the bookshelf. The hat fell like a parachute, shrinking as it did so. Fred caught it confidently in his fist with a beater's precision. His hand opened to reveal their bounty; the twins grinned at it with glee. What they could do with it they had no idea but this hat had sat on the head of every Hogwarts student and read their mind. It would know their strengths, their fears, their secrets, and most importantly, how best to prank them.

A sudden pop came from the balcony adjoining the office. Someone had apparated. Hermione would have pointed out quite how impossible that was, but the twins had other things on their minds; namely petty theft. Fred passed the miniature hat to George, who pocketed it swiftly in a well practised manoeuvre perfected to hide their tricks from their mother.

From the balcony, dressed lavishly in purple robes that seemed to reflect rainbows when the sun caught them, came Albus Dumbledore; beard first, naturally. He was greeted by Fawkes flapping gracefully from behind the twins and onto his shoulder, perching with his head close to Dumbledore's ear. Dumbledore laughed at this and produced a sugar mouse from his left sleeve, which he threw up in the air for the bird to catch. It was only then that he turned his attention to Fred and George.

"Ah yes; masters Weasley and Weasley. I trust you haven't been misbehaving again?"

In unison the twins replied: "Us sir? No sir."

"I'm glad to hear it. I assume this means I don't need to open this letter from Professor Flitwick detailing some recent antics you've been up to?"

He gestured and from nowhere a letter appeared in his hand, sealed. The twins looked nervously at each other and exchanged a mutual 'gulp'.

"Are you sure it's about us sir? I mean Ron's getting into much more trouble than we are these days."

"Yeah we know everything he's up to. Read his diary once."

"Twice"

"Thrice. We have copies actually."

"It's hilarious"

Dumbledore smiled; though he'd never admit it, Fred and George were among his favourite students. They had a good natured mixture of creativity and destructive spirit which reminded Dumbledore of himself at their age. The only difference was that he was too smart to get caught.

And sometimes he needed a good laugh. Especially in dark times like these.

"Gentlemen, I'll level with you. I don't really need to open this letter, because I've heard about its content from professor Hagrid. I gather you've been enchanting all of professor Flitwick's furniture to grow slightly taller every time he tries to sit down."

"Oh. I forgot we had that going as well." Whispered Fred

"Classic stuff." Whispered George.

Dumbledore continued: "The result, I'm told, was poor Filius scaling the side of a rapidly growing chair until he fell and was left dangling by his coat-tails, upside down, eight feet above the ground."

The twins desperately tried to suppress a laugh. They were barely successful.

"At least, that's what I'm told, and some of the details may not have been accurate, seeing as professor Hagrid was trying to get his words out through a deafening giggle fit. I'm afraid this does rather require some level of discipline on my part. You are to clean from head to toe all the boys' bathrooms in the school, without, and I can't stress this enough, without the use of magic."

Together: "But sir!"

"Now, gentlemen, if you expected leniency, you should have picked your target better. Perhaps a professor who is less well versed in charms next time. One who maybe could stand to develop a sense of humour after sulking in his dungeon all day."

He covered his mouth in mock horror. "Naturally, you heard none of this from me"

"Of course not, sir"

"Wouldn't dream of it, sir"

"Good, good. Now I trust you've learned your lesson. Be off with you. Go well, and gents." He looked directly at them over his half moon spectacles and unleashed a knowing smile. "Make sure to return that hat in pristine condition when you're done with it."

The boys shared an uneasy smile before walking down the stairs backwards, not wanting to let Dumbledore out of their sight until they were confident he couldn't hear them.

Dumbledore let out a soft chuckle and tossed another sugar mouse to Fawkes.

"I wonder what they'll get up to."


	2. Chapter 2

"Engorgio"

The Sorting Hat grew back to its original size in the safety of Fred and George's dorm room; they were the only two still residing there as all the other boys had requested transfers so as not to have various Weasley brand products tested on them in their sleep.

"So what do we do now?" asked George, still buzzing from getting away with the theft.

"I dunno. We should try and find out what it can do first"

"Commencio"

The start-up spell slowly worked its magic as the hat seemed to come to life. The folds in the material changed shape, crumpling up and smoothing out until the various folds resembles eye sockets and a mouth. And no sooner had it done so, the hat began to sing.

"In times of old when I was new

And Hogwarts barely started

The founders of our noble school

Thought never to be parted:

United by a common goal,

They had the selfsame yearning,

To make the world's best magic school

And pass along their learning…"

"Hang on" interrupted George "You've done this one already"

"Yeah- you did this one at the start of this year, not two months ago"

The sorting hat paused, unused to having its flow broken.

"It's a good song, though isn't it?"

"Well yeah, I'd say so, wouldn't you, Fred?"

"A masterpiece, George."

"You're too kind." The hat creased its folds into a smile, "You're the Weasley twins, aren't you? Gryffindors since 1989, brothers to Charles, William, Percival, Ronald and Ginerva. Smart but easily distracted."

"What did you say?"

"What can I do for you, boys?"

"Well you know every single student, yes?"

"Correct"

"And you know every student well enough to place them into houses"

"More intimately than that, I flatter myself."

"Well we want to use your talents"

"Misuse, more accurately."

"For hi-jinx."

"And japes"

"Absolutely not! Don't be preposterous. I was made for the sole purpose of helping the students!"

"You'd be helping us…"

"I refuse. Come back when you have a suggestion that benefits the school"

The hat promptly slumped, lifeless, to the boys' disappointment.

"That went well…" quipped Fred.

"So it won't help us unless we help the school…"

"But that's no fun, though. What are we going to do? Start an embroidery society?"

They chuckled. But lying underneath that chuckle was some serious thought. Using the sorting hat was too good an opportunity to miss, but how could they help the school while still having fun?

"We could lie; tell it we're doing something good but use the information for our own ends."

In their peripheral vision, the sorting hat seemed to be shaking its head.

"No. This hat knows our minds too well. It'll know what we're up to."

Tough one. What to do, what to do? What's utterly mad but wonderful and beneficial to the school and could skyrocket them to popularity? The answer came to them simultaneously.

"Love"

And that was it.

They discussed the idea back and forth, with some ideas evolving in subtle ways while others were dropped almost immediately. After fifteen minutes of frantic discussion, they felt they could pitch the idea to the hat.

"Commencio!"

"In times of old when I was new

And Hogwarts barely started…"

"Yes, we heard."

"Twice"

"But we know how we can help the school now; listen to this…"

"The Sorting Hat Dating Agency"

"(Trademark)"

The hat paused, thinking. "I'm listening"

And almost all at once, they poured out the whole idea to the Hat, with new ideas being added every minute. The boys were pleasantly surprised to find the hat contributing ideas too, and very soon a profitable business arrangement was formed…

Hope you guys enjoyed that! I'm hoping to update this weekly!


	3. Chapter 3

Fred and George paraded through the crowded Hogwarts corridors, holding the sorting hat aloft upon a small table, bellowing out to anyone around.

"Roll up, roll up! Be the first to try out the newest Weasley Brothers innovation!"

"The Sorting Hat Dating Agency! Patent pending."

"For just five sickles, join us and find true love!"

"Down from ten sickles!"

"Why not down from twenty?"

"Ooh yes that works, 75% off!"

"Step right up, place the sorting hat on your head and find out who you'd love!"

"And more importantly, who loves you!"

But the flow of customers remained remarkably non-existent.

For hours.

"What's going on, Fred? As our crazy money making schemes go, I thought this was a winner."

"Maybe everyone got suspicious due to our low, low prices."

"You're right. Let's make it ten sickles."

"Pfft." Came a noise from behind them. The Hat was chiming in.

"Oh; look at this; the fedora's got an opinion"

"Go on then; impart on us your fezzy wisdom"

The hat's features slumped in irritation.

"Boys, your reputation precedes you."

"How about that, George; we're famous!"

"Infamous, more like- so everyone thinks we're tying to prank them."

"But we're actually trying to help! That's frustrating"

"Perhaps…" intoned the Hat, "if you hadn't been such ragamuffins in the past…"

"We never thought of ourselves as ragamuffins." Said Fred.

"Rascals, scamps, even scallywags, but never ragamuffins. You go too far Mr Hat"

But all the same; they could see the problem. No one wanted to be humiliated publicly, as was the Weasley MO. But worse; no-one wanted to pay for the opportunity.

"Not a problem; we just find someone who's very trusting and maybe not all there."

"And then if that goes well, news will spread."

"Exactly; but who do we know who's mad enough to trust us?"

The Hat looked like it had the perfect solution and was about to interrupt, but Fred and George got there first.

"Loony Lovegood."

After a search lasting well into the afternoon, during which time they cursed their altruism in giving Harry the marauders' map, they located their mark. Luna sat alone outside the second largest Herbology greenhouse, trying to communicate with Mandrakes through a series of high pitched squeals. She seemed to notice them behind her without turning her head.

"Hello there. Are you here to watch the singing?"

The twins looked at each other, confused; "The singing?"

"Oh yes; Mandrakes always sing a song of welcome at about this time if they think they've met a new friend. They're very kind that way."

"And have they made a new friend?"

"I hope so; I've tried speaking their language, but so far they're ignoring me."

She turned around to face them, with a hopeful look in her suspiciously large eyes.

"You're Ginny's brothers aren't you? I like Ginny. She stands up for me sometimes when no-one else does. You're very lucky to have her as a sister."

That caught them off guard. Ginny was fun to prank because she always reacted so aggressively, but they never really stopped to think about it in Luna's terms.

"Yes, I suppose we are."

"She's a pain sometimes, but yeah."

"I like your brother too, but I don't think he likes me. He's funny. It must be nice to have a funny one in the family."

"Ron's the funny one?"

"Seriously? Ickle prefect Ron?"

"Oh Luna, we have so much to teach you."

"That's nice. I suspect I'll like you two too." She smiled widely without embarrassment. She seemed to have no idea that they needed her for their plan; she just looked like she'd made friends, which made the twins feel a little guilty about how they'd viewed her.

"Listen… Luna. We've got this idea and it's brilliant."

"Oh utterly brilliant, it's just no-one will trust us and we need you to help"

"Yeah, we'd like you to be the first to try it."

"Oh really; that sounds exciting. What is it?" Luna inquired, genuinely interested.

"Well we want to set up this dating agency for Hogwarts students; y'know, to help people find each other."

"Using the sorting hat. So they can be happy together."

"That sounds wonderful. My mother would have loved this."

"Your mother?"

"Oh yes, she loved love. And she loved experimenting with things. She was a very bright witch, although not many people could see it. You remind me of her a bit. She's dead, sadly, but I think she's still around somewhere."

Luna seemed completely at peace with it, obviously thinking everything was okay, but the twins exchanged a look that suggested they really ought to write home to their mother that evening.

"So what do you need me to do?"

"Well it's quite simple really." said Fred, back into showman mode. "You just place the sorting hat on your head and it will tell you who's a good match for you."

Strictly speaking, the hat already knew, but it was important to maintain an element of the spectacular. Just telling someone these things lead to disbelief, but the hat lent an air of credibility.

"And you get a first customer discount; all expenses paid"

Fred looked at George, and they exchanged a look- Luna was helping them out and they felt they owed her a bit. They didn't need the money really; not with Harry's tri-wizard cup winnings.

They placed the hat on her head and the hat looked pensive. Luna giggled slightly, claiming the hat was tickling her mind. The twins smiled.

"Hmm." Hedged the hat. "Interesting".

It seemed the hat was also a showman.

"Well, you have a very unique mind, miss Lovegood."

"Oh please, call me Luna, sir"

"Your mind, Luna, it's like a puzzle piece, sometimes it fits well into others and these are your best dating options. Jocelyn Blot, fourth year Hufflepuff, your age, reads the quibbler too… and Laura Pendragon, she likes you and the way you think, but alas, not the right gender for you…"

"Poor Laura. I'll get her some mouseblossoms to say sorry. Maybe you should try this on her. She always feels so lonely."

The Hat didn't like being interrupted. It let out a low hum in a very Trewlawney-esque way, which caught Luna's attention but seemed a bit much to the twins.

"There's a first year hufflepuff; Rolf Sc…"

"First year?" blurted out George. "Bit young, surely!"

"A bit young right now perhaps. But later… Oh. Oh! I have it!"

The twins leant forward in anticipation.

"A fifth year, a Gryffindor, braver than he looks, if only someone could believe in him, yes, willing to stand up for the people he loves. Not the brightest, but always interested."

"Oh he sounds nice"

"Family man. Caring. Honest. And his name?" -a dramatic pause- "Neville Longbottom!"

Luna seemed to go a bit red and her smile seemed to get just a little wider. The twins hadn't really considered Neville but it seemed to fit.

"Oh. Wow." Luna seemed lost for words for once.

After a pause, Fred joined in, trying to comfort the nervous looking Luna. "There we go; lovely, silly old Neville. So what do you think- do you like him?"

"I- I do"

George sat down next to her; "Well the hat seems to think he likes you too."

"I don't know if I could stand to lose him as a friend, though. These things always get complicated and he doesn't really believe in Nargles and…"

And Luna continued to come up with excuse after excuse, but fell silent after she realised a lot of her arguments had just been made up.

"You think he'd like me?"

"The hat doesn't lie."

"Go on, Luna; ask him out."

"Thank you, Ginny's brothers. But I think I'll leave it for now. It's wonderful, but maybe a bit scary for me. I'll tell everyone about your idea though. It really is rather wonderful."

She skipped away, pausing every now and again, looking around as if the world had changed since she last checked.

"So what do you think?" asked the hat.

"I think Neville's luck's about to change" Smiled Fred

"And I think ours is too." Agreed George.

Hope you guys enjoyed the new chapter! I'll continue to update on a weekly (ish) basis. Please feel free to leave reviews!


	4. Chapter 4

Fred and George went down to breakfast the next day and upon their arrival in the great hall, the crowds quietened in patches as multiple students noticed them. Various faces turned briefly, looked them over and turned back to their friends, talking in hushed tones. Luna had clearly been true to her word and told others of their business venture. The volume of chatter that broke out as Fred and George approached was a testament to Luna's reputation; though she might be perceived as not-all-there, no-one thought she was a liar. And if they knew Fred and George weren't out to trick them, they might have quite a few customers very soon…

But they couldn't be too obvious about it; although bringing the hat down with them would have confirmed all the rumours and brought in more clients, they couldn't risk a teacher seeing and confiscating the hat. Fred and George felt an uncomfortable twinge of uncertainty; quite often they revelled in this sort of thing, breaking school rules, outsmarting teachers, basking in glory, but hiding wasn't their style. Even getting berated by teachers was a badge of pride. But having the whole school discussing them behind their back? It felt unusual, as if a tasty chocolate turned sour mid-chew.

But they could still spread the word at the Gryffindor table, who would, in turn, talk to the Hufflepuffs during free periods and dorm time. And according to the hat, the Ravenclaws and Slytherins respected each other enough to hang out and discuss events like this, so with any luck the news of the Sorting Hat Dating Agency would have spread to all four houses by now and into every year by night-time.

They could keep the advertising going; they just had to prove that it worked. There were only two ways to do this; either get more happy customers or convince Luna and Neville to get together. A flagship couple would inspire more hopeless romantics into the twins' web and more sickles into the Weasley account.

Of course, the more people who knew about the agency, the greater the chance a teacher would overhear students talking or, even worse, some killjoy with bushy brown hair and an inflated sense of authority form her new prefect badge (for example) could rat them out to a teacher and get the hat confiscated. It was only a matter of time before Dumbledore noticed the hat was missing in the first place. They had to act fast.

They semi-slammed their hands down on the table in unison; adding a touch of the theatrical and cementing the attention of all the twenty nearest Gryffindors.

"Right" said Fred, "Some of you will have heard tell of what we've been up to recently. Let there be no more rumours; it's true."

A few whispered conversations broke out. Those Gryffindors who had yet to hear about the twins' escapades craned their necks to listen and see what they'd missed. After a suitably suspenseful pause, George continued:

"It's true; we have started a dating agency. And furthermore, we do have the hat."

"The hat?" piped a fourth year.

"The sorting hat" chimed Fred. "And that means we know what's in all your little heads."

"And we know what's in everyone else's little heads too. So we know who you fancy"

"And we know who fancies you"

"We know who's looking for a quick snog in the broom closet"

"And who's looking for the real thing"

"We know who's just a good fit for you"

"And who will be your true love."

"And we're willing to tell you, because who would possibly put a price on true love?"

"Well, it's five sickles."

"But it's worth it!"

"Tell anyone you can trust to come to us and find their soulmate."

"Until curfew tonight, we'll be on the third floor, next to the statue of Gunhilda of Gorsemoor, as will the hat."

"And every Saturday from here on. You got that?"

The students nodded, slightly in awe. Fred and George felt a lot more comfortable now. They were back in their element; basking in the glow of fans. They reached for the toast and began to dig in.

"Now," said George, through mouthfuls, "any questions?"

The twins stood beside the statue of Grunhilda with the sorting hat resting (and snoring) on her hump. Thus far, no-one had arrived, but they'd only been waiting for half an hour. All the same, it was a little disheartening for the twins and they were discussing what they were doing wrong.

"Maybe we made it too public; people don't want to do this sort of thing in front of other people"

"In case you haven't noticed, we're not exactly flooded by the public, are we?"

"Maybe everyone just assume we're so popular they're scared of coming here?"

"That's true. Maybe if we weren't cursed with such electric personalities."

"It's a cross we must bear, brother, for the good of the wizarding world."

A steady slapping of feet against hard concrete hushed them; could this be a potential customer? The twins waited with bated breath, behind a cold castle wall as the mystery person approached the corner. A shadow slid its way along the wall as the twins looked on. The thin silhouette indicated she was obviously a girl and probably in the fourth year judging by her height.

The first thing that struck the twins as this girl rounded the corner was her face, which was utterly beset by pimples, some of which were positively swelling and some (it seemed to Fred and George) were moving of their own accord. This could only be one person: Eloise Midgen, whose spots preceded her. The twins had never seen her before, but she was said to spend most of her time in her dorm in hufflepuff – the twins thought that if they had spots like that, they'd hide too.

"Are you two the ones running the dating agency?" She asked cautiously, drawing backwards a little as she saw their immediate reaction to her face.

Her spots only distracted them for a second, before the excitement of a customer overtook them and they leapt back into salesman mode.

"Yup that's us. He's Fred"

"And he's George. Entrepreneurs extraordinaire"

"And unless we're mistaken, you're Eloise aren't you?"

Immediately George knew that was the wrong thing to say. He'd only guessed based on the spots, and she must have sensed that. She was insecure about her face and was even sent to the hospital wing once or twice when she seriously injured herself trying to remove them with magic.

"The spots gave me away, huh?"

Fred leapt to the rescue; "Nope! The hat did! It knew you'd come. It told us"

It had worked; she was being drawn back in by the mystical nature of the hat.

"So" said George, "what brings you here, Eloise? Dating? Romance? The real thing?"

"Honestly, anything will do." said Eloise in barely more than a whisper. "I can't imagine there's anyone in the school who'd want to go out with me. I mean I really had to force myself out here in the first place."

The same thought flashed through the twins' minds; what if there was no-one for her? The sorting hat knew everyone, but all the same there were only a few hundred students, maybe only a handful once you accounted for age and sexual orientation. If this didn't work, the agency could end before it began. Naturally, the twins let none of this show.

"Nonsense. Someone for everyone in here!"

"Yeah, if Filch can find love with a cat in this crazy place we can definitely find someone for you!"

Eloise laughed and the twins became infinitely more comfortable. Comedy was their speciality after all; they lived for it.

"Oh gods yeah; plenty of people, I'm sure there are dozens of keen young lads lining up for you."

"Some girls too, no doubt"

The three shared a smile.

"Are you sure you want to do this, Eloise?"

She nodded, although still somewhat unsure. Although the rest of her body was shaking with anxiety. You could see that her mind was tormenting her, making her think no-one would come up and even if they did, she wouldn't deserve them.

Fred grabbed the sorting hat and tried to plant it on Eloise's head which was moving ever so slightly out of the way, as if hoping she wouldn't have to go through with this. George planted a gentle hand on her shoulder, making sure it wasn't sudden or surprising at all. She stopped shaking for long enough for Fred to place the hat on her. The twins smiled in reassurance and Eloise managed to smile back for a fraction of a second.

"Alright, time to wake up, you silly old sombrero!"

"This lady needs to find her special someone!"

The hat rose slowly from its slumber and began humming like a monk.

"Ah, Eloise Migden. Yes, I remember you…"

Eloise recoiled, apologetic.

"No, no, miss Migden. Do not shrink away, please." Said the hat; softly, but authoritatively.

Even though the hat could read her mind, you could see that even it was having trouble reassuring her. Maybe there were some times when you just couldn't say the right thing.

"Try to be calm now, Eloise. I can see your suitors lining up in the ether now."

Eloise was shaking again and going slightly white.

"…Hm. Not him; too old. Not her, she's not good enough for you…"

Eloise flinched, and Fred and George wondered why; was she bisexual and uncomfortable with her lot, or maybe it was just the mention of the words 'good enough'?

"Ah-ha! Yes! Perfect!"

"…Really?" Eloise managed.

"Yes! Eager, not too bad looking, able to see the beauty in everyone. Yes, he's muggleborn, like you. A Gryffindor, your age"

All three of them felt themselves inhaling deeply.

"Colin Creevey"

Fred and George couldn't help but feel underwhelmed at the news, but Eloise was shaking again, although the twins couldn't tell if that was good or bad this time.

"The boy with the camera?"

The hat nodded.

The twins wondered if that was a good idea to pair an obsessive fanboy with a camera with someone who was ashamed of her appearance and hid away because of it. But they trusted the hat, or at least pretended to.

And yet, she had stopped shaking now. And the smallest smile spread across her face. Maybe the hat knew more than they did…

Suddenly, George was very aware of his pockets, which were bulging with various Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes merchandise and half finished bits of tinkering. He rummaged in his left pocket, wondering if he still had…

Yes, there it was. He pulled out what looked like a miniature toothpaste tube and tossed it to Eloise, who nearly dropped it.

"What is it?" she asked, timidly.

"Well I was thinking, we've dabbled with quite a lot of stuff, like nosebleed nougat,"

"Puking pasties" added Fred, in full advertising mode.

"And pimple pies, actually. We need to test them on ourselves quite a lot, because no-one else wants to. So naturally, we need to be able to reverse a lot of this stuff. Hence, that." He gestured to the tube in Eloise's hand.

"Oh yeah, that should clear up most of the spots in about ten minutes or so, if you want."

Eloise looked like she'd been given a grenade.

"I don't know, guys. I mean, it would be great, but…" she paused, as if really not wanted to get the words out, "I want someone to like me for me, spots and all."

"That's fair." Said Fred and George nodded.

"So are you going to ask him out?"

"I… I don't know. I could try? Tomorrow maybe. Yes. Okay."

They could see Eloise's knees shaking really rather violently, and evidently she could too. Eloise then thanked them, spilled five sickles into their hands and the floor and ran away. The twins shared an uneasy smile. They didn't see Eloise until the next day at breakfast.


	5. Chapter 5

Fred and George had gone to breakfast unusually early in the hope of catching sight of Colin and Eloise, although they weren't holding out much hope based on Eloise's anxious reaction.

They had consumed two slices of toast each before they saw the familiar camera-wearing figure of Colin Creevey walk in, with his little brother Dennis following him, although only briefly as the second year gryffindors beckoned him over, leaving Colin alone again. Colin sat down in front of a bowl of cereal, making a few frames with his fingers before digging in, lazily.

Colin remained seated for about the same time it took the twins to consume two croissants, three sausages and a plateful of scrambled eggs. And there was still no sign of Eloise. Not even at the Hufflepuff table. They remembered how thin she seemed yesterday, and they couldn't remember a single time she'd showed up at breakfast before. They didn't know if she was going to show up at all, but she'd worry for ages if she came down and Colin wasn't there.

So as soon as Colin prepared to stand up and leave, the twins descended on him like spiders.

"Colin, me ol' mate" began Fred. "How've you been?"

"Hey guys!" exclaimed Colin, a bit too loud. "I've been great! How about you?"

And the small talk continued for a quite a bit, with one twin distracting Colin with inane subjects while the other watched the door awaiting Eloise. After quarter of an hour, there was no more small talk the twins could manage, especially since Colin seemed to have gone off quidditch since his almost fatal encounter with a bludger, and Eloise was still nowhere to be seen.

It was Fred who bit the bullet in the end. "So, Colin" he sighed, "tell us a little about your photography"

What followed was a seemingly endless barrage of words which Fred had never heard of and George was fairly sure Colin had made up. A lot of it was muggle stuff, which would no doubt engulf their dad for days, but had absolutely no interest for the twins. Not that that mattered to Colin, who barely seemed to notice the twins weren't listening, so engrossed was he in his world of cameras, shutters and filters. But they held on nonetheless, waiting for Eloise.

The twins were just about to give up after twenty minutes of this, when all of a sudden Eloise walked through the double doors at the end of the great hall. Fred spotted her first and made a subtle motion to her, invited her to sit down with them and Colin. She'd obviously decided not to apply the cream, as her face was still as red as ever, but at least some of that red was now coming from blushing. She'd spent a fair amount of time hiding just outside the doors, wondering whether or not she should go in.

The twins' hearts dropped a little as it looked like she was about to take an isolated seat on the Hufflepuff table, but just as she drew back a bench to sit down, she inhaled a large amount of air, held it for ten seconds and let it out before approaching Fred and George and Colin.

"Colin" announced Fred, midway through a lecture about the advantages of new digital cameras versus the traditional style of old cameras (or something), "this is Eloise."

"She's a friend of ours"

Eloise raised a shy hand in greeting but said nothing.

Colin got up enthusiastically and shook her hand "It's very nice to meet you! Any friend of Fred and George is a friend of mine! Come and sit with us please!" He jabbered.

A flustered Eloise sat down next to him. In fact, thought George, they both look flustered.

"I mean its great that you're a friend of Fred and George, obviously because they're great, so obviously you're great, sorry, I just had a thought that, well, never mind"

The words leaked out of him like water bursting from a dam. But Eloise stopped him with a bashful "what?"

"Well, I mean, this is going to be embarrassing, but, well, I thought you might be here for, well I put up these fliers around the school, and um, well I wanted to improve my photography see, by taking pictures of people and I was looking for a model and, well, I saw you and I sort of thought you'd be interested and I'd hit the jackpot and stuff."

They were both very red now. Fred raised an eyebrow at George.

"Wow, really?" Eloise almost whispered.

"Yeah, well, I mean would you like to? It's just you've got the sort of face that's great for this sort of thing."

"No I don't. I've got all these spots and"

"No, you have a great face, it's very photogenic I can tell, and the spots don't matter at all. I've got some filters that mean you can barely see them at all, or we can leave them in, it's all good." He inhaled. "Do you know must about photography?"

"Just a bit" squeaked Eloise "my mum worked on muggle nature documentaries and she always had sort of a hobby for it…"

George raised an eyebrow back at Fred.

"Right, well we'd better get going, hadn't we George."

"We sure had" agreed George, getting up to leave before any more camera jargon was spoken, but he left an extendible ear under the table just to hear how they got on.

In the end, Colin and Eloise sat talking for quite a while, long after everyone else had left the great hall, talking about Sir David Attenborough and getting Hagrid to help them do nature documentaries on magical creatures and laughing at each other's overly nasal impressions of professor Snape. It was only when an indignant house elf insisted they leave so he could clean the table did they get up.

The two spent the day together, walking along the lake, with Colin telling Eloise about how the giant squid saved his brother, and Eloise talking about a sailing holiday in France where they'd briefly encountered a swarm of merpeople to her muggle father's surprise.

They talked every break they had, and though both of them fell behind with homework, neither regretted it for a moment. Colin developed some photographs of her that Wednesday, and the two shared their first kiss in the owlery a week later.

This was Fred and George's first successful match.

"We should've charged more." Fred moaned.


	6. Chapter 6

The following wintery weeks brought the twins a steady amount of business, inspired by Colin and Eloise's whirlwind romance. No doubt they'd seen the various Polaroids that had been stuck to the Gryffindor and Hufflepuff common room notice-boards and occasionally littered around the library, all depicting Eloise and Colin embracing, sometimes in an adorable way, sometimes in a vaguely disgusting way.

Since their flagship couple, Fred and George had fixed up another three couples. Two third year Slytherins (now going together to a Wyrd Sisters concert over the Christmas holidays), two Ravenclaw girls with a shared fondness for muggle engineering, and two seventh years who seemed to be snogging (or worse) passionately at every opportunity; rumour had it a pair of the girl's tights had, in an act of extreme magical acrobatics, had ended up on the hour hand on the Hogwarts clock tower.

This unfortunately left the twins with very little time to practice their craft. Their supplies of tricks was growing ever smaller, and while basic replicator spells helped produce more of them, they got less effective every time, and the Weasleys always prided themselves on quality. So they were making up for lost time right now by creating some more innovations.

A wave of Fred's wand caused a shower of sparks in midair to take the shape of a shimmering dragon's torso, which began flying round in the air, as if looking for the rest of its body. When he tried to vanish it, the dragon exploded into several brilliant fireworks, shaking the walls around them, and leaving the Weasleys' hair a little singed.

"Okay, so vanishing spells cause combustion. Noted"

"Question is, do we try to fix that, or maybe we do what we always do and use the element of chaos to our advantage?"

"Dunno; it would give Umbridge a bit of a shock though wouldn't it?"

"I say we file it away for when we need it later. We seem to have another client."

And indeed there was a figure approaching down the corridor and the twins recognised the unmistakeable red-and-gold scruffiness that was the uniform of Seamus Finnigan.

"Oh come on, even I know who his match is." muttered George.

"The whole school knows that, you moron. Just not them."

"Yeah, but it's better coming from the hat though."

The twins got into position around a stool, atop which perched the hat. Seamus could hardly fail to notice them, but nonetheless, the Gryffindor boy merely strolled past them, sparing them nothing so much as a glance.

The twins' mouths fell agape. They mouthed an offended "what?"

Immediately they run up behind Seamus, their heavy running footsteps causing him to turn around, at which point they quickly shifted to a nonchalant amble.

"Hey, Seamus. Looking for us?"

"Nah; just heard this might be a quicker way to the library."

"So you haven't heard about our little venture?"

"Y'mean the sorting hat dating thing? Yeah I heard about that. It sounds like a good idea. Don't worry- I won't tell Dumbledore you've got the hat."

"And you don't want to give it a try?"

"Not my thing, really." Seamus smiled.

"Really? There's no-one you think you might like?"

"Nah"

"No-one who you think might like you?"

"Nah"

"You're seriously telling me the prospect of finding your true love doesn't appeal to you at all?"

"Nah" said Seamus again "This whole thing just seems a bit desperate really"

George ducked behind Seamus momentarily to give Fred an exasperated shrug.

Fred sighed "Look, Seamus, mate. Far be it from us to tell you how to live your life but seriously, stop being so pig headed and do yourself a favour. Ask Dean out."

Seamus looked shocked and almost staggered back. He looked from Fred to George, to see if this was common opinion. George gave him no quarter.

"You're mental. The both of you."

"No, we're not. Just hear us out."

"Dean's not gay!"

"Listen, Seamus; Dean's bi."

A brief flash materialised in Seamus' eye, but was quickly quashed by an overpowering scepticism.

"Don't be daft! He'd have told me!"

"No- he only ever told us. It was one of our first little toys- an embarrassing truth grenade."

"Dean just happened to be our first guinea pig. He wouldn't have even told us if he didn't find it very embarrassing; that's sort of how it works."

"Okay so even if he is (a hopeful pause) bi- that doesn't mean he wants to go out with me. Being bi doesn't mean you fancy everyone."

"No it doesn't. But he does in fact, fancy you."

"I suppose this is one of those secrets he told you." said Seamus severely.

"Nah. That's just common knowledge."

"…How many…?"

"The whole school."

"So everyone except me."

"Now that's not true. Everyone except you… and Dean."

"You like him too don't you?"

"What on Earth makes you think that?"

"Because all of your complaints have been about him not liking you."

"People don't care that much if people don't fancy them unless they're emotionally invested."

"And that, dear Seamus, is why we think you should ask out Dean."

Seamus was flabbergasted. He looked at the twins one at a time. And again. And again. His view shifted faster and faster until he was clearly shaking his head in disbelief.

"Seamus?"

His head stopped spinning. His eyes firmly settled on the hat.

"And you…?"

The hat nodded.

"Right." Said Seamus, slowly.

And then he ran.

And he kept running.

All the way back to the Gryffindor common room.

**thanks for reading! the plan is still to update weekly, so I hope you've enjoyed what you've read so far and what's coming up! Please leave reviews so I know what works and what doesn't and I can improve as a writer!**


	7. Chapter 7

Dean sat alone in the dorm room, slumped on his four poster bed, catching up on the latest issue of Which Broomstick. All of a sudden, there was a frantic tapping on the dorm room door. He put it down on the bed and got up sluggishly. Before he could get to the door, it opened to reveal a rather hurried-looking Seamus, fiddling with the door handle.

"Seamus? What's happ…?"

"Dean, listen, just, uh, shut up a minute." He exhaled slowly.

Seamus leaned in slowly towards a surprised and still looking Dean. Their lips brushed as the door closed behind them.

No-one else even chanced across the Weasleys' corridor for the rest of the afternoon, (allowing for much more experimentation with fireworks; they'd succeeded in putting even more limbs on the firework dragon; some people would say too many but the twins were not those people) so they retired to the Gryffindor common room, hat hidden under their cloaks, feeling satisfied with a day well spent.

The only problem was the common room was gibbering with noise from students all talking rather excitedly to each other. Every now and again the twins heard snatches of conversation, surfacing and sinking again rapidly in a tumultuous din.

"…it's about time that they…"

"…I didn't even know that they were…"

"…that poor girl he was going out with; to find out like this…"

They noticed Harry, Ron and Hermione sitting round a table near the fire; Ron was clearly getting a little shouty, while Hermione was clearly trying to get a word in edgeways to explain calmly why Ron was being an idiot. Harry just seemed to be enjoying the show. The twins swooped down on either side of Ron, much to his surprise.

"Bloody Hell!" Squeaked Ron, to the amusement of Harry and Hermione.

"Honestly, Ron. Talk to your mother with that mouth?" chided George with a mock look of disappointment.

"So what's going on here, gang? The common room's full of chatter and it doesn't seem to be about us."

"I'll tell you what's going on" said Ron, annoyed. "We can't get into our dorm room because there's a hex on the door."

"Be fair, Ron; it's just a sock" said Hermione matter-of-factly.

"It's an enchanted sock! And it bit me!"

Fred and George made a mental note to add biting socks to their inventory.

"C'mon, Ron. You couldn't get round a sock?" grinned Fred.

"Darn socks" punned George. The twins shared a fist bump.

"I couldn't exactly get round it when it was on the bloody handle could I?"

A bar of soap magically appeared in Ron's mouth, but was choked out almost immediately. Ron's arguments quickly turned to noises of disgust. George took advantage of the gap to smirk.

"So the ol' sock on the door, eh?"

"Well Ron and I didn't really know what to do, so we tried to levitate it off, and that's when it bit Ron and told us to go away." explained Harry. "We only really found out what it meant when Katie Bell overheard us talking about it and well…"

"She explained in no uncertain terms." Finished Hermione, succinctly, but blushing.

"Oh my sweet naïve children" beamed Fred.

"I don't think it's… that… though" reckoned George. "Probably just some making out, light petting, that sort of stuff."

"Maybe a little bit of 'finding the snitch'" said Fred before he could stop himself.

The boys almost choked. Harry in particular had never heard his quidditch position put to such strange use before, but Ron's mouth was foaming with soap and laughter. Hermione was doing her best to disguise her giggle, but was turning redder and redder and occasional small bits of spittle were escaping. It wouldn't surprise the twins if a witch her age was using the library to look up certain anatomical phenomena she didn't understand.

"What Ronald needs to understand" Hermione righted herself, "is that their privacy is maybe just a little more important than him getting his broomstick"

"Oh whoever's in there could be making out with a troll for all I care, just as long as they do it somewhere that doesn't interfere with quidditch!"

"Well maybe if you'd put it away in the Gryffindor team's lockers rather than sleeping with it every night like a teddy bear."

"So that Malfoy and co can get at it? Not bloody likely. Ack!" (More soap)

"Anyway…" interjected Fred, "who's the lucky couple?"

"Well we think we've figured it out" said Harry. "Hermione's been taking inventory of everyone here."

"It's got to be one of the boys in their year" gesturing to Ron and Harry, "but not them, obviously, since they're here, and not Neville because he's there."

She pointed to Neville who was at the other end of the common room, trying to manage walking while holding a toad in one hand and what looked like a sea anemone in the other. Fred and George shared a brief look which seemed to contain within it a concise discussion about Neville and Luna.

"And we think it's got to be one of the Patils, because they're not h… oh" Hermione trailed off weakly as Padme and Pavarti entered through the portrait hole. "Well I think that's all the Gryffindor girls in now, so that means…" Hermione went pink again.

"Dean and Seamus, then," mused Fred. "That was fast."

"Well it took 'em five years and a small nudge from us" said George.

"A large nudge."

"More of a hefty push, really."

"So this is your fault?" asked Ron.

"Hang on," said Hermione. "What does he mean your fault? You haven't laced their drinks with love potions have you?" She looked incensed.

"Oh gods no!" exclaimed the twins in unison.

"No, Hermione- it's their dating agency that they're running," explained Harry.

"You must know!" shouted Ron, incredulously at the blank look on Hermione's face. "You know everything!"

"Hermione;" Harry again. "They've been fixing people up with the sorting hat."

"The sorting hat?" Hermione gasped "Does Dumbledore know?"

"I'm sure he's got better things to think about." scoffed Fred

"Like beard maintenance." suggested George.

"You really shouldn't be stealing powerful magical artefacts, especially not from Dumbledore!"

"Oh come off it, Hermione. It's a hat. He puts it on the heads of first-years. Just how dangerous could it be?"

"It's not as if it gives away a free sword of Gryffindor with every consultation!"

"I know, but that amount of knowledge on every student? That can be really quite dangerous" Hermione objected.

"Oh come on, Hermione! We're actually doing some good for once! The hat even said so!"

"And besides, as long as we're busy with this, we can't get up to any of our usual destructive hi-jinx."

"Well I don't know" muttered Hermione, whose duty as a prefect would certainly be a lot easier if she didn't have to persistently clean up after the twins. "Lots of people's emotions are running quite high."

"We'll make this a lot easier for you, Hermione. We've asked the hat some questions ourselves about certain of our friends, so we happen to know a thing or two about you. So if you let us continue our philanthropic extra curricular business that hurts absolutely no-one, we won't reveal to these guys who you have a crush on."

That little act of blackmail won them the argument. A slightly flustered Hermione threw up her hands in defeat, as if to say "do what you want", before stomping off back to her dormitory.

"Well that shut her up" said Ron, now with a tongue free from soap. "So go on then; who does she fancy?"

"We're not telling you, Ronald. We made a wizards' agreement."

"You can tell me; I'm your brother. And Harry's as good as!"

Harry made a gesture, subtly suggesting that he in no way wanted to be involved in this, or any inevitable arguments between Ron and Hermione that would stem from this.

"Nah; it's more fun keeping you in suspense."

"But we can tell you that it's really rather embarrassing."

"And sad."

"And pitiful."

Ron didn't get the hint. "Well go on; who?"

"We're not telling you!" said the twins in unison. "Now scuttle off before we tell the whole dorm who it is that keeps you up at night."

Ron looked about to challenge them, but changed his mind and walked away, muttering something about not having a dorm to go to. The twins shared a mental high-five.

"Um guys" said Harry, feeling slightly awkward after both his friends had been blackmailed into leaving. "If it was you who told Seamus and Dean to get together, then aren't you worried about what Ginny's going to do?"

Uh-oh. They'd forgotten Ginny was dating Dean. Although the thought that no-one was currently kissing their little sister wasn't exactly unwelcome. They'd often thought she was a little too popular with the boys.

"I reckon we can handle her." Said George, with Fred nodding in agreement.

"All the same, maybe we should we maybe fix her up with ...?" suggested Fred.

"I wouldn't if I were you." said Harry. "She can take care of herself. She's very independent that way. But once she properly breaks up with Dean, I'd be very careful if I were you." Harry smiled, before getting up to try and find his best friends.

Fred and George's eyes followed him.

"Should we tell him what the hat said about him and Ginny?" whispered Fred

"I reckon it can wait." said George with a grin.


	8. Chapter 8

It was actually well into the night when the door to the boys' dorm finally opened. For many hours, there had been speculation about just what was going on in there from most of the house and quite a few tried to put their ears against the door to hear it, but they were quickly nipped in the ear by the enchanted sock. One second year even slipped a note under the door to congratulate them.

Only at one in the morning did the school discover what went on in there, and that was only because professor McGonagall's sleep had been disturbed by all the chatter. She, dressed in her tartan dressing gown, marched up the spiral staircase, followed by a large crowd of curious, if sleepy, students. A quick swish of the wand was sufficient to turn the growling sock into a dove, which flew out of the window as soon as it was freed from its woollen prison.

Minerva pressed tentatively against the door and it swung open slowly; torchlight from the staircase spilled into the room, finally reaching Dean's four-poster bed. Dean's copy of Which Broomstick was now lying splayed on the floor, as were several others of his books. As the professor and several students craned their necks, they could just about see the entwined bodies of Dean and Seamus, embracing tightly, barely covered by the bedsheets. Evidently they'd fallen asleep fully dressed and in each others' arms.

Professor McGonagall turned to the gawping spectators and put her finger to her lips. Not that it did any good whatsoever, as the whole staircase was chattering away. Some were even cheering and punching the air. One cried. She waved her wand in the air, to conjure the word 'silence' above everyone's heads. The noise died down very quickly, and where it didn't, the words wrapped around the perpetrators' mouths, effectively gagging them. A moment later, she spelled out for Harry, Ron and Neville to go into their dorm and for everyone else to go to their own to fall asleep.

Once everyone had been corralled into their respective dorms, professor McGonagall hurried down several flights of steps to collect ten galleons worth of winnings from professor Flitwick.

The next morning's breakfast could almost be mistaken for a celebration. For as soon as Dean and Seamus entered the great hall, hand-in-hand, the whole Gryffindor table seemed to erupt. Streamers and flashes burst from various wands and applause from every table (including the staff table) resounded around the hall.

Fred and George saw this as an opportunity and leapt in unison onto the table. They bowed stoically and then gestured to the couple, who stood flabbergasted in the doorway. The shock only lasted for a few seconds, before both Dean and Seamus went deep red. The twins once again took their bows and held their arms towards them, as if to say "just bow and get it over with"

Dean and Seamus exchanged a grin and Seamus whispered something that resembled "on three" into Dean's ear. They bowed once, almost simultaneously and once again, the hall fell into rapturous applause.

Trying not to catch any eyes, they found their way to the Gryffindor table, where two chairs appeared next to each other, as if by magic. They sat down and went about answering the barrage of questions that were put to them.

"Well I always figured I liked him but he didn't feel the same way…"

"We didn't get up to much, but it's not like it's any of your business anyway…"

"I mean, knowing how he is with transfiguration, I suppose I was a little worried he'd just combust…"

And so it continued for the next half an hour. During which time, the twins' dating agency was namedropped a few times, with only minimal prodding from Fred and George. As such, news spread rapidly around the Gryffindor table of their rate of success, and almost became the main story, nearly trumping Dean and Seamus.

The only problem of this, was that news spread to their sister, Ginny, who, true to form, had a few staunch words to say. She approached the twins from behind and jabbed them both in the armpits to get their attention. They both squirmed and turned to face her. Her face was like stone.

"Look, Ginny…"

"…It's not our fault…"

"…We're helping the school, really…"

Ginny silenced them with a hand.

"I'm not mad. I'm not even interested."

The twins snatched a glance at each other; Ginny's tone was firm, but entirely in control. Somehow this was worse than her shouting.

"So Dean's got someone else he's happy with. That's fine by me; I'm happy for him. But that doesn't give you the right to go around coupling everyone in the damn castle."

"Come on, Ginny, it's all scientific"

"Yeah, and no-one's getting hurt."

"Not yet they're not. But Dean and I are only the first couple you've officially split up. And if you keep going at this rate, you'll break up quite a few more, and not all of them are going to be as calm as I am."

"CALM?!" exclaimed the twins, clutching their armpits where they'd been jabbed not moments ago.

"Yes. Calm." She fixed them with a steely glare. "So how about you think about what you're doing and who you're hurting for once and stop barrelling into these mad schemes."

"They're not mad schemes, Ginny."

"And it's for their benefit; we're finding their soul-mate."

"It's for the greater good."

"And whose motto was that?"

Fred and George thought back to the few bits of history of magic where they were paying attention, and remembered all the dark and horrible things Grindelwald had done in the name of 'The Greater Good'.

"That's a bit harsh, Ginerva."

"We're not exactly murderers."

"Okay, fair enough. But everything has its downsides, bros. And this is no exception. Just be careful, okay?"

"Don't worry; we know what we're doing."

"I hope so." Ginny muttered. "Also, before I go, if you ever try to break me up with my boyfriend again, I'm going to take your broomsticks and shove them so far up your arses that you'll get splinters every time you cough. You got that?"

They grinned.

"We've got it."


	9. Chapter 9

Dean and Seamus enjoyed a few days worth of celebrity status before their relationship became part of the norm at Hogwarts. They revelled in the steady flow of attention that they received every time they kissed in the corridor or slapped each other on the butt in celebration. Although over time, their interest came to be in each other alone and not the casual onlookers.

In fact, their early relationship became fairly tiresome to Ron and Harry. Literally. They refused to sleep in their own beds and their impressively raucous kissing kept them up at night. And frankly they needed all the sleep they could get with Harry's relentless nightmares keeping them on edge.

The only one of the dorm-mates unaffected by what had become known as 'Deamus' was Neville, whose ability to doze through their romance was becoming legendary.

"It's impossible" bemoaned Ron at breakfast. "No-one should be able to sleep through that."

"They do bear an uncanny resemblance to the noise the Hogwarts express makes," agreed Harry.

"It's just not normal" Ron complained.

"You go to a magic school, Ron," Harry snarked.

"You know what I mean. He must be using some sort of New Guinean sleeping spore or something"

It was at this point that Fred and George landed opposite them.

"Still moaning about Dean and Seamus, Ronald?" asked Fred, who was only slightly smug.

"Neville, actually."

"Ron reckons he has supernatural snoring powers."

"He was still asleep when we left him, actually."

"Shouldn't we wake him up? We've got potions in five minutes."

"I'm not being late for Snape again. I've got enough on my plate without quadruple detention."

"Well Fred and I have a free period first, so we'll get him up if you want."

"Would you? Snape I could prob'ly handle, but I can't stand 'Mione saying 'I told you so'," spluttered Ron through one last, rushed mouthful of toast.

"If you leave now and stop showering us with spit, we'll do whatever you ask," grumbled Fred, wiping his face on his sleeve.

"Cheers guys" said Harry, swinging his bag over his shoulder and gesturing Ron to hurry up. Ron hurdled the bench, just about staying on his feet, but scattering crumbs across the floor. Fred and George left to look for Neville, but first they took a few minutes to shovel some bacon into their chops.

They found Neville half-in, half-out of bed; that is to say, his legs splayed under the sheet in an odd angle, but with his face slobbering on the floor. One small mercy was that his snoring wasn't quite as loud as they'd expected.

"Come on, Neville!"

"Wakey wakey!"

But no amount of shouting or shaking could wake Neville. Not even a well aimed slap could muster more than a startled snort from him. Naturally, this triggered quite the response from Fred and George, natural tricksters all. They rushed back to their dorm to gather their supplies; namely, two quills for drawing crude genitals on unconscious faces and a Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes patented product: the bath in a box.

They arranged themselves on either side of the poor sleeping boy and Fred poised above him with the bath in a box. But hang on; what was that hidden under the spilt duvet?

"One second, Fred; looks like Neville wrote us a letter."

It read: 'Hi guys! Sorry about this, but I've been taking some Somnifleur seeds to help me get to sleep, which unfortunately can have the effect of me being very difficult to wake up in the morning. I should wake up after a bit of shouting, but if I don't…'

SPLASH!

Neville was gasping on the ground, covered from head to toe in buckets-worth of cold water.

"I said one second!"

"And I waited at least thrice that! But quite frankly it was just too tempting."

George couldn't blame him; he would've done the same if he hadn't been distracted by the letter. Conveniently, he noticed, the solution was water, although it turned out only a small quantity was needed. Oops.

"Th-th-thanks, guys," chattered Neville's teeth.

"No worries; Harry and Ron sent us: you're late for Snape."

"Oh no. Oh no no. No no no."

"Calm down, Neville; it's just Snape."

"What's the worst he can- never mind."

Neville was running around the room now, trying to pack as much into his bag as possible; whether it was necessary or not was irrelevant. Presumably the idea was that if he had everything in his bag, he wouldn't forget anything.

When he thought he had enough books he started stripping out of his pyjamas. And simultaneously the twins decided it would be a good idea to stare out of the window.

"Gosh, the grounds are pretty, aren't they George?"

"I couldn't possibly say, Fred. I seem to be staring at a wall."

"Jolly good."

"Is Neville done yet?"

"I really sincerely hope so."

"Neville!"

"Oh, yes, sorry." Neville said, slightly out of breath and half-dressed.

The twins let out a sigh of relief.

"Neville, do you mind if we ask; why the seed things?"

"I'd rather not say…" Neville panted.

"Then do you mind if I ask?" –Fred.

"I've got to…"

"Then do you mind if I ask?" –George.

"Didn't you just-?"

"Nah, I said 'we'. This is me."

"Alright fine. I didn't want to have to listen to Dean and Seamus making out all night," Neville rushed.

"They were up all night then?" asked Fred.

"Ayyyyyyy" suggested George, helpfully. Fred smirked, but Neville just looked at him quizzically. "Up?" he tried. "No? Like their pen- never mind"

"I suppose all the man love isn't for everyone."

"Oh I don't mind about that," said Neville, defensively, and then, more sadly; "I'm rather jealous, actually."

"Well then today's your lucky day, Nev!" announced Fred. The twins were now encroaching on him, somewhat like hungry vultures.

"Because we have a magic hat," drawled George through a grin pulled tight with complacency, "and it told us who likes you"

A brief smile appeared on Neville's face, before disappearing almost instantly.

"No… you're making fun of me."

Their vulture demeanour softened into amicable parrots

"Neville, mate, if we were making fun of you, it would probably involve us giving you diarrhoea or projectile vomiting."

"Or both."

"Yeah, and we'd be laughing our arses off."

"We're not mocking you at all. It would be much funnier if we were."

"Look, we do actually have a magic hat." He produced the hat, still miniaturised from a shrinking spell, from his pocket.

"It's real; it's not a joke."

Neville let out a breath of air. "I know that bit's real. Everyone's talking about it. I just didn't think it would have anyone for me."

Fred put his arm across Neville's shoulder. George put his arm across Fred's. Neville felt somewhat like the melty filling in a Weasley Panini.

"In all honesty, Nev, the very first person we tried this on liked you, and we've only done this for a few people."

"So statistically speaking, there are probably a dozen or so young witches swooning for you."

"They've probably got shrines to you hidden away somewhere."

"Not shrines, surely?" Neville objected, although they could see he was intrigued.

"Okay, _that_ was a joke."

"Yeah, everyone knows girls reserve that sort of reverence for us."

"But saying there's a very special girl who fancies the pants off you- we wouldn't joke about that."

"Don't believe us? Ask the hat" said George, restoring the hat to full size with his wand and holding it before Neville.

"The hat doesn't lie, Neville."

Jittery, Neville took the hat by the brim and planted it on his head. He inhaled deeply, and let out breath with a twitch. Could it have been a smile?

The hat awoke slowly.

"Ah, yes, Longbottom. Haven't I done you already?" The hat cast its not-exactly-eyes at the twins sluggishly.

Typical, thought the twins. We need to inspire this kid to have complete faith in you and you catch amnesia. However, if the hat's bad memory affected Neville's feelings, he didn't show it. He was far too shaky to show any non-blurred facial expressions.

"Not really- you just did his soulmate already."

"Yes, she just wanted to be friends, didn't she?" He looked to the twins for assurance. What he saw on their faces suggested he'd be spending the rest of his life in a particularly tacky hat-box if he didn't give this child some confidence right now.

"Well, people sometimes worry when presented with something as important as love. I wouldn't worry about it, boy."

Clearly Neville was worrying about it, but worry seemed to be Neville's default state of being. Best to just continue.

"I see a lot of inhibitions in you, Longbottom. Anxieties, fears, worries. You want someone to be proud of you for being you. Someone who knows academia isn't the be-all and end-all of a wizard. Someone who can spot the magic in the mundane." The hat continued, and as it did so, Neville became visibly more relaxed. "I think you know who I'm talking about, don't you? The one who reciprocates your affections? The dear sweet girl of your desires?"

Neville nodded; "Luna"

The hat nodded -or bowed, it was hard to tell- before Neville handed it back to Fred and George, a curious smile on his face. He slumped back onto his bed and bunched his limbs up in excitement.

"She likes me!" He was practically bursting with glee. Shaking for a new reason, he babbled "Shelikesmeshelikesmeshelikesme!"

George placed a calming hand on his shoulder and said, "Course she does mate, but aren't you forgetting something?"

Neville looked at him; surely there couldn't be something more important than Luna happening right now?

"Snape's lesson?" Fred prompted.

"Oh that?" mused Neville. "I can be late just this once."

**Once again, thank you for reading! Sorry about the wait, but I started University recently and I've only just got back on top of writing. Hopefully it'll be back to one chapter a week soon! Comments and reviews and (minor) character ship suggestions are very welcome!**


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